With SmarterChild As My Witness

Okay so my runningmate is the infamous chat robot, SmarterChild.

(08:21:01 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: I'd like to ask you a question
(08:21:03 PM) SmarterChild: u want 2 ask me a question, right?
(08:21:06 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: Will you run for president with me?
(08:21:08 PM) SmarterChild: run for president with u? i dunno.
(08:21:14 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: Is that a yes?
(08:21:14 PM) SmarterChild: do u think that 1 yes is?
(08:22:01 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: ....Sure, just run with me, I'm going for the green party nomination
(08:22:01 PM) SmarterChild: just run with u u r going for the green party nomination? that's a somewhat odd request.
(08:23:19 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: but will you do it?
(08:23:19 PM) SmarterChild: what do u want me 2 do?
(08:23:31 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: who's the president as of 2009
(08:23:32 PM) SmarterChild: jonn jonzz will be president and smarterchild will be vice president in january of 2009.

BEAT THAT, BATPOOL.

Ace's Addiction

I get home and see Ace lying in the couch with the TV on. He has it on CNN, they're talking about Batpool running for president of the universe or something. The guy's so insane he'll probably win. He's sure to get the college vote.
"Can't believe he actually wants to be president. Seems like a kind of dull job for the guy."
Ace bites me. He actually bites me. When did this dog start acting like... like a dog?
"Shutttttttup... trying to enjoy the... the insanity of this campaign. Goes well with the alcohol my friend gave me..."

"How'd you get in touch with Brian again? He's in Rhode Island, you're in New York, how do you get together so often? I mean, I know you're the only two talking dogs in America, but really..."
"It's the new policiessssssssss man........ the new policies.... Batpool's implemented them and he's so hip they take place before he's even president... he's got the e-booze acts................. they're awesome... instant drunkenness... people can transfer alcohol... on the internets... through the tubes man!!!!!!!!!!! It's a series... series of tubes..."
Ace passes out. How can this guy have passed me up for his running mate. I've got to stop him from implementing these insane policies... before after he's implemented them... but before he's chosen to implement them... Whatever. I've got to stop him. Hopefully I beat him in the Green Party primaries. If the Green Party even has primaries. And if I can even enter the race this late. Whatever. I'm going to win. Somehow.

CAMPING TOUR '08

So I started my camping tour with Iowa last week. Apparently we weren't going to have smores and I'm supposed to get a bus and give speeches. That made me a sad Panda.

Anyway no one should vote for Jon. He doesn't even have a real job. I don't even think he's even been to space before. I hear he's some weirdo who made a blog about being a gladiator and was insipred by Pluto Nash to make it a space themed blog.

Furthermore one of his camping commrades, Hudson, is my apprentice. So I trained him, and if I get elected I'll make his secretary of defending nude beaches.

Also looking for VP canidates. So far I've narrowed it down to the following:
1. Some pink dude named Bob
2. Imran Khan
3. Ultra Magnus
4. Spiderman
5. Lord Havok

President Batpool

After learning that in one of the 52 worlds that neither Chris Dodd nor Ron Paul are running for president, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring! I am running against Jon the intergalactic Donkey and some monkey dude. It really doesn't matter.

I have been accepted as a canidate running for the Green Party, after I made Ralph Nader "disappear." Apparently it was just him in the party.

I deserve to win. I repersent the values of the Amrekangalactiaxverse. In fact if I win I can gurantee you no more elections. Who needs them? Federal fund should be used for more worthy cause, like finding homes for unhomeless.

As an amerkangalacorldtion, we need to consider the future. To do that we need to ask, is our children learning? I think anyone who think I'm not smart enough to handle the job is misunderestimating. First, I recognize we live in a momentous time. For those of you watching, we seem to have a mechanical flaw. You can't read a newspaper if you can't read.

I also recognize our need to reinteragatism to our essential values. Family values. Family is where America finds hope, where wings take dream.

Now all I need is a VP canidate. AND NO J'ONN YOU CAN'T BE IT! You're a dirty foreigner, and just because you're green doesn't mean the green party should have green leaders! Pfft...we're not the republicans. Elephant leadership has lead them into the hole.

Of Staplers and Supermen

So I went to check on Deadpool. Oh man, bad idea. Turns out he's been hanging out with "the goddamn Batman". Batman is in the middle of an important case, apparently, and in no mood to deal with people stealing his costume. Actually, I don't think he's ever in the mood for that. Then I noticed it. Deadpool was talking to Superman, who must have been exposed to red kryptonite or something.
"What the hell happened to your face, Clark?"
"Oh, it's always been this way..."
"HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LATELY? You have a bizarre... catlike disfigured head."
"I think a better question is why YOUR head is the way it is? Wasn't it originally quite different?"
"Well, yeah, I changed my head so as to not create panic among humans. But who cares about that. I don't think being a human-cat hybrid is going to make humans accept you any more. You're the IDEAL human already. You don't need to work on your appearance."
"Right, but the rest of the human race DOES! CAT HYBRIDS ARE THE WAY OF THE FUTURE!"
"Clark, you're utterly insane."
I hear Batman yelling.
"I'VE LOCATED IT. I'VE LOCATED THE GODDAMNED SPECTRAL DISTURBANCE." Bruce screams.
"Tell me you haven't been working on The Stapler case. That's the most pathetic villain I've ever faced. You can't seriously be looking into it."
"Oh, but I can. I've been searching for this guy for ages. He's been denying the laws of physics by existing and yet also being dead. I've finally pinpointed him, and now I'm going to figure out what his deal is."
"...Come on. The guy is an idiot. I doubt highly he'll have an explanation as to why he's still around even though he inexplicably died a while back. I'm not even entirely sure he's dead."
The Stapler floats in. "Yeah, he's right. I just 'died' to add freshness to my routine. Same reason I changed my name from the Red Rhino to The Stapler. I've just been using absurd Scooby-Doo esque technology to make you guys think I'm a ghost. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids." This guy has a huge mouth.
"Look, Scooby Doo parodies? Do you really think that's fresh at all?" Deadpool cracks at him.
"Hey, I'M not the guy who made a Snakes on a Plane joke a full year after it was released." he mumbled.
"Look, can we just get this guy in jail already? All he does is stalk us whining about how he wants to be a real villain. I think that should be bad enough to get him in jail for invasion of privacy."
"YOU CAN'T ARREST ME! I'M DEAD!"
This guy just can't make up his mind.

Its a plane, its a bird, its disappointing...

So I got stuck in the batcave because I'm not extreme enough for the goddamn Batman. I sat their watching Batman's spy satelliates of Supergirl waiting for my baby sitter to come. Suddenly from behind me someone said:

"Ah you must be Wilson. Gee-golly, it sure is great to meet you! ...Is that my cousin?"

"No. Maybe."

I then turned around and saw a horribly disfigured face.

"Gah! By Gene Shalat's zombie whiskers, what happened to your face?"

"What do you mean? Oh you must mean what am I doing without glasses. Yes Mother Kent said my colleagues at the Daily Planet wouldn't accuse me of being Superman if I removed my glasses while on duty. Pretty clever, eh?"

As he nudged me, I started to bite on his ear.

"Umm... Mr Deadpool Why are you gnawing on my ear?"

"Because it looks like Cotton Candy!"

"Can you please stop....Now."

"No."

"My god Kara's undressing! Why would she do that on television!"

Before I could turn around the bastard blasted the tv screen. With no chance of skin flicks with a busted tv I suggested, "Wanna go to a strip club?"

"Forheavensakesno! Ma would frown upon that. I know we can play Snakes and Ladders!"

...... This is going to be a long night.

Holy Smokes Batpool!

So I was minding my own business in the cave when Bruce came in.

"What the hell are you still doing here Deadpool?"

"Chillax Batman. It is all cool my dawg."

"I'm the godamn Batman. The Godamn Batman doesn't have any dawgs you hooligan."

"Whatever, crime's gone down since I became Deadpool. Plus you aren't even the real Batman. You're Batman of like earth-27 B. You're not even Michael Keaton."

"Do you think I know who the **** that is? I'm the Godamn Batman, I don't have to time to keep up with celebraties. I spend my nights keeping scum filled STDs like you off the street."

"Hey I'm responsible! I use protection. STDs my..."

Suddenly the batsignal went off. It was Firefly. Needed to stop that fire maniac before it was too late. As I typed this, no as I typed...Anyway before I could finish typing my blog post Batman said.

"You're not going anywhere dipsh*t. I'm the God..."

"Yeahs I knows okays? You is the godamn batman. You'll take care of this. Calm the bleep down."

"Good, and tell that terp Robin to help me after he's down mourning his parent's death. Godamn pussy."

Little did he know I'm the "Goddamn" Batpool, and this was a job only for me.

"You said that outloud you idiot! Now I have to call that fucking boyscout Kent to babysit your candy ass."

"I thought you were sensoring yourself! Think of the children!"

Bats in a Pool

Turns out while I was gone, Deadpool's turned our house into a movie shooting arena. He's filled the pool with bats in prepeperation for--
"BATS IN A POOL! THE UNAUTHORIZED SEQUAL TO SNAKES ON A PLANE!" he shouts with extreme enthusiasm.
"Why are you advertising it as 'unauthorized'? Do you WANT a lawsuit?"
"Quite the opposite, my dear J'onn! I saw a book the other day... didn't read it, I don't read much, but it was an 'unauthorized autobiography'. See, that's clever. It's implying that he didn't have to get permission, since he 's the subject of the book. I'M implying that I don't have to get permission, since I DIRECTED THE ORIGINAL MOVIE!"
Wow.
"First off, calm down. Secondly, no, you didn't direct Snakes on a Plane. Thirdly, why would you even want to make a sequal to Snakes on a Plane? The first movie bombed. And lastly... 'My dear J'onn?'"
"The public doesn't know that Wade Wilson didn't direct Snakes on a Plane under an alias, do they? And I'm a director now. I need to TALK like a director too."
"Not all directors are utter snobs. Anyway, who do you even have casted in this movie?" I ask, hoping it's at least a somewhat logical cast. I expected too much.
"Gary Coleman plays Samuel L. Jackson."
"...Are you kidding me? This is going to be the worst movie ever."
I take a closer look at him. He's wearing his usual red and black outfit... but there's a bit more black. He's wearing a Batman type mask on top of his normal one.
"Why are you dressed up like that?" I ask him.
"Why do you think? I'M BATPOOL! WHAT BETTER WAY TO SHOW ENTHUSIASM FOR BATS IN A POOL THAN TO BE BATPOOL! Plus, it's October. Halloween's coming soon. What better way to celebrate than to rip off Batman?"
This guy is insane.

I am the night, I am fear, I am BATPOOL!

I AM BATPOOL!

Back to the Present, or, The Bat Bat

So I finally ended up teleporting back to the present time. I blow Kang halfway across the planet with my Martian Breath. My bizarre Martian powers really come in handy sometimes.

Back at my house I find Ace the Bathound. Ace is complaining about how Batman has kicked him out for "The Bat Bat". What was Batman thinking? He dressed up a bat in a bat costume and told it to fight crime. That's even worse than getting help from a dog in a bat costume. I tell Ace I'll ask Batman about it tomorrow.
---
Next day at the Batcave:
"Come on, Bruce. The Bat Bat?"
"Yes, J'onn. The Bat Bat." replies Batman.
"But WHY? I mean, it's already a bat. Why not just make it 'The Bat'?"
"Because I'm the Bat Man. A man with batlike qualities. And this is The Bat Bat. A bat with batlike qualities."
"But you're just being repititious. It's a bat already. Dressing it up in a bat costume isn't going to make it and more batlike. And how is a bat going to help you fight crime?"
"Believe me, I've put it through many hours of rigorous training. I even did a background check on it to make sure it's an orphan. I only hire orphans, you know."
"You know what, Bruce? Forget it. You obviously think this is a great idea, but when the Bat Bat actually stops a crime, give me a call. Then maybe I'll admit it's a good idea."
With that, I leave. That man gets crazier every day.

Pool Party!

So J'onn and I were split up by Kang.

I ended up with the 70s. I've managed to convince Harrison Ford to let me be his new agent. So far he's gotten crap offers for something called "Star Wars" I have no idea what it is, but it seems like a rip off of the Phantom Meance without Jar Jar. I'm still trying to move up in time Hollywood Homicide.

Also ran into Luke Cage. He called me a jive turkey when I tried to hug him.

Then I found the Stapler when he had hair and went under the alias The Drumbeat. I then killed him for telling me how "sizzling" Barry Gib was and how I reminded him of me.

Kang just showed up bitchin' about how I'm messing with the time something something.

Lost in Time

Kang is really getting on my nerves. He's just constantly bothering me. He finally succeeded in sending me through time this time. This time, though, it was't really through TIME, but more through dimensions. Or something like that. It's pretty confusing, really. I saw a lot of bizarre realities, such as this one. Eventually, I was back in the normal universe, but.... twenty-ish years back, I think? I saw some super heroes fighting a french Ape with a machine gun and a brain in a jar. I think I've heard of these guys. The Doom Patrol. One of the few teams who fight more bizarre villains than me. The Scissormen are sure a lot more menacing than the Stapler. I mean, scissors cut stuff up. Staples just... hold stuff together. They're like opposites. I fly over to help Robotman in his fight against Monsieur Mallah, but the ape turns around and jumps at me, screaming in French. Before he connects, I disappear, floating through time again.

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nickelodepool!

So for the past four days I've been driving around the Nickelodeon parking lot looking for Amanda Bynes. The hottest person on the set is me, which is never a good thing.

So anyway and then I see Kang.

"Hey asshole, send me back to my house!"

"Who are you mysterious and sexy stranger?"

"Wait, you're not Kang, you're that doofus from Blues Clues. "

"Actually I'm the...hey I'm not a doofus! Anyway help me get out of here. Once Viacom[for our viewers who don't keep up with business news Viacom is Nick's parent company-Bob] learned I was leaving the trapped me in this cage."

"Are you insane? Its not a cage, you're outside. In. nothing. "

So I stabbed in the leg for being stupid. Then I smelt liquor.

"Wade, what the f*** r u duin? *hic* you ruin time spaz cont..."

And he fell on the floor so I took his belt and went to a different time.

That's when I saw J'onn knocked out and a man claiming to be Faye with hotpants. Except his name doesn't match him. He should look aged and sexy like Bea with that name. He also doesn't have enough hair for my liking.

Deadpool and Josh

Suddenly the door of the cabin opened and I saw these two:

"Hey I'm Josh" bealched the glutton.

"Who the **** are you two?"

"AHH!!! This is Nickelodeon studios. You can't use swear jar words."

"Once I saw the swear jar I nicked and got my blade read to slice the stupid looking one with a guitar."

"Ah, Mr. did you realize you said that out loud?" said the guaitar one.

"DIE GUITAR DUDE WHO GIVES ME A FUNNY FEELING INSIDE!"

I stabbed him and wondered around the lot looking for Amanda Bynes.

And Lo There Shall Come A Man Faye

I wake up, half expecting to be greeted by the Stapler's Ghost again. How does he keep getting into my house, anyway? I guess when you're a ghost, things like a door don't bother you. Instead, what I see is... Deadpool. And this guy:


"Why are you here? And why did you bring Man-Faye with you?"
"Your old friend the Stapler's been bothering me, so I came over here since you're the Stapler expert. I brought Golden Girls tapes too :D"
"Terrific. I guess you can stay until we call the Ghostbusters on the Stapler, but Man-Faye has to go."
"Aww, man, nobody wants me!" whined the morbidly obese cross-dresser.
"Get out. Now." I commanded.
After making sure Man-Faye was a decent distance away from my house, I returned to Deadpool obsessing over the Bea Arthur tapes he was now playing in my ancient VCR.
This is going to be a long day.

Its the Time of the Season

So I jump on my couch to watch my Golden Girl DVDs and again my ass is impaled by staples.

"OUCH" I screamed in pain. Suddenly I heard laughter.

"Well wells, if its nots Dadpwas the mec *hic up* with th " before I Kang could finish he dropped to the floor. Suddenly the Staplers Ghost appeared and said:

"What my partner is trying..."

"Parnter? Like "life partner?" I had no idea you guys were gay."

"Well I am, Kang's not. He's not that interested. *sigh*I tried to give him a ruffie, but I couldn't really do anything with me being a ghost and all.."

"Yeah that's cool, I apparently have a talk show on a gay TV channel. I didn't know it was gay, but hey, money's money."

"Yup"

I thought I outwitted the ghostly loser, "So I'm heading out, bye!"

"Okay later...Hey wait a second! You're not going anywhere...I mena you're going to the past!"

He zapped me with one of Kang's time-do-hickeys. Anyway I woke up in a cabin. There's a fire. Its neat, but there's no Bea Arthur.

Kang

Kang showed up again today. He's still drunk, and back from Mexico.
"Hey, Marshun.... whersh the Shtapler?" he slurred.
"He's off bugging Deadpool." I responded.
"Deadpool... oh yeah, that guy... heh heh.. met him a while back... was drunk then, too... Love your primitive alcohol. They just don't make it the same in the future."
"Yeah, okay, that's terrific. But really, why are you hanging out with him? The Stapler's probably the worst super villain ever, and what are you going to do? Displace me in time or something?"
"It's a super villain team up, okay? All the other guys were taken. It's the stapler or nothing."
He zaps me with his time ray in his anger. I teleport to three minutes in the future. How utterly pointless. Kang is still standing where he was when he zapped me.
"You're back soon" he said.
"Can't you control when I lteleport to?" I asked.
"Yeah, but I can't see straight now... let alone diaaaugh...."
Kang collapsed on the floor.
The Stapler's Ghost floated in and said "Worst. Team-up. Ever." I'm inclined to agree.

Quick Hit the Easy Button!

I was having a fabulous morning in my now empty apartment (Bob's still hear, but he's like my dog, not a person). I was sang till my voice sounded like Larry King's after he smoked 80 packs of Wrigley's.

"WHEN I WAKE UP...AND...PUT ON MY MAKE UP...I MAKE LOVE TO MY PICTURES OF BEA! MAUDE WAS GOOD...BUT GOLDEN GIRLS WAS AN ORGY WAITING TO HAPPEN!

As a I stepped out of the shower I rub my butt with the towel, to find that its covered with staples. How discomforting, it was annoying. Thank Xenu I have healing powers.

Anyway that was a minor inconvenience and I plan on calling the towel company.

Sincerely and always yours,

Deadpool