Friday, October 26, 2007

Its a plane, its a bird, its disappointing...

So I got stuck in the batcave because I'm not extreme enough for the goddamn Batman. I sat their watching Batman's spy satelliates of Supergirl waiting for my baby sitter to come. Suddenly from behind me someone said:

"Ah you must be Wilson. Gee-golly, it sure is great to meet you! ...Is that my cousin?"

"No. Maybe."

I then turned around and saw a horribly disfigured face.

"Gah! By Gene Shalat's zombie whiskers, what happened to your face?"

"What do you mean? Oh you must mean what am I doing without glasses. Yes Mother Kent said my colleagues at the Daily Planet wouldn't accuse me of being Superman if I removed my glasses while on duty. Pretty clever, eh?"

As he nudged me, I started to bite on his ear.

"Umm... Mr Deadpool Why are you gnawing on my ear?"

"Because it looks like Cotton Candy!"

"Can you please stop....Now."


"My god Kara's undressing! Why would she do that on television!"

Before I could turn around the bastard blasted the tv screen. With no chance of skin flicks with a busted tv I suggested, "Wanna go to a strip club?"

"Forheavensakesno! Ma would frown upon that. I know we can play Snakes and Ladders!"

...... This is going to be a long night.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Holy Smokes Batpool!

So I was minding my own business in the cave when Bruce came in.

"What the hell are you still doing here Deadpool?"

"Chillax Batman. It is all cool my dawg."

"I'm the godamn Batman. The Godamn Batman doesn't have any dawgs you hooligan."

"Whatever, crime's gone down since I became Deadpool. Plus you aren't even the real Batman. You're Batman of like earth-27 B. You're not even Michael Keaton."

"Do you think I know who the **** that is? I'm the Godamn Batman, I don't have to time to keep up with celebraties. I spend my nights keeping scum filled STDs like you off the street."

"Hey I'm responsible! I use protection. STDs my..."

Suddenly the batsignal went off. It was Firefly. Needed to stop that fire maniac before it was too late. As I typed this, no as I typed...Anyway before I could finish typing my blog post Batman said.

"You're not going anywhere dipsh*t. I'm the God..."

"Yeahs I knows okays? You is the godamn batman. You'll take care of this. Calm the bleep down."

"Good, and tell that terp Robin to help me after he's down mourning his parent's death. Godamn pussy."

Little did he know I'm the "Goddamn" Batpool, and this was a job only for me.

"You said that outloud you idiot! Now I have to call that fucking boyscout Kent to babysit your candy ass."

"I thought you were sensoring yourself! Think of the children!"

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Bats in a Pool

Turns out while I was gone, Deadpool's turned our house into a movie shooting arena. He's filled the pool with bats in prepeperation for--
"BATS IN A POOL! THE UNAUTHORIZED SEQUAL TO SNAKES ON A PLANE!" he shouts with extreme enthusiasm.
"Why are you advertising it as 'unauthorized'? Do you WANT a lawsuit?"
"Quite the opposite, my dear J'onn! I saw a book the other day... didn't read it, I don't read much, but it was an 'unauthorized autobiography'. See, that's clever. It's implying that he didn't have to get permission, since he 's the subject of the book. I'M implying that I don't have to get permission, since I DIRECTED THE ORIGINAL MOVIE!"

"First off, calm down. Secondly, no, you didn't direct Snakes on a Plane. Thirdly, why would you even want to make a sequal to Snakes on a Plane? The first movie bombed. And lastly... 'My dear J'onn?'"
"The public doesn't know that Wade Wilson didn't direct Snakes on a Plane under an alias, do they? And I'm a director now. I need to TALK like a director too."
"Not all directors are utter snobs. Anyway, who do you even have casted in this movie?" I ask, hoping it's at least a somewhat logical cast. I expected too much.
"Gary Coleman plays Samuel L. Jackson."
"...Are you kidding me? This is going to be the worst movie ever."
I take a closer look at him. He's wearing his usual red and black outfit... but there's a bit more black. He's wearing a Batman type mask on top of his normal one.
"Why are you dressed up like that?" I ask him.
"Why do you think? I'M BATPOOL! WHAT BETTER WAY TO SHOW ENTHUSIASM FOR BATS IN A POOL THAN TO BE BATPOOL! Plus, it's October. Halloween's coming soon. What better way to celebrate than to rip off Batman?"
This guy is insane.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Back to the Present, or, The Bat Bat

So I finally ended up teleporting back to the present time. I blow Kang halfway across the planet with my Martian Breath. My bizarre Martian powers really come in handy sometimes.

Back at my house I find Ace the Bathound. Ace is complaining about how Batman has kicked him out for "The Bat Bat". What was Batman thinking? He dressed up a bat in a bat costume and told it to fight crime. That's even worse than getting help from a dog in a bat costume. I tell Ace I'll ask Batman about it tomorrow.
Next day at the Batcave:
"Come on, Bruce. The Bat Bat?"
"Yes, J'onn. The Bat Bat." replies Batman.
"But WHY? I mean, it's already a bat. Why not just make it 'The Bat'?"
"Because I'm the Bat Man. A man with batlike qualities. And this is The Bat Bat. A bat with batlike qualities."
"But you're just being repititious. It's a bat already. Dressing it up in a bat costume isn't going to make it and more batlike. And how is a bat going to help you fight crime?"
"Believe me, I've put it through many hours of rigorous training. I even did a background check on it to make sure it's an orphan. I only hire orphans, you know."
"You know what, Bruce? Forget it. You obviously think this is a great idea, but when the Bat Bat actually stops a crime, give me a call. Then maybe I'll admit it's a good idea."
With that, I leave. That man gets crazier every day.