Pool Party!

So J'onn and I were split up by Kang.

I ended up with the 70s. I've managed to convince Harrison Ford to let me be his new agent. So far he's gotten crap offers for something called "Star Wars" I have no idea what it is, but it seems like a rip off of the Phantom Meance without Jar Jar. I'm still trying to move up in time Hollywood Homicide.

Also ran into Luke Cage. He called me a jive turkey when I tried to hug him.

Then I found the Stapler when he had hair and went under the alias The Drumbeat. I then killed him for telling me how "sizzling" Barry Gib was and how I reminded him of me.

Kang just showed up bitchin' about how I'm messing with the time something something.

Lost in Time

Kang is really getting on my nerves. He's just constantly bothering me. He finally succeeded in sending me through time this time. This time, though, it was't really through TIME, but more through dimensions. Or something like that. It's pretty confusing, really. I saw a lot of bizarre realities, such as this one. Eventually, I was back in the normal universe, but.... twenty-ish years back, I think? I saw some super heroes fighting a french Ape with a machine gun and a brain in a jar. I think I've heard of these guys. The Doom Patrol. One of the few teams who fight more bizarre villains than me. The Scissormen are sure a lot more menacing than the Stapler. I mean, scissors cut stuff up. Staples just... hold stuff together. They're like opposites. I fly over to help Robotman in his fight against Monsieur Mallah, but the ape turns around and jumps at me, screaming in French. Before he connects, I disappear, floating through time again.

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nickelodepool!

So for the past four days I've been driving around the Nickelodeon parking lot looking for Amanda Bynes. The hottest person on the set is me, which is never a good thing.

So anyway and then I see Kang.

"Hey asshole, send me back to my house!"

"Who are you mysterious and sexy stranger?"

"Wait, you're not Kang, you're that doofus from Blues Clues. "

"Actually I'm the...hey I'm not a doofus! Anyway help me get out of here. Once Viacom[for our viewers who don't keep up with business news Viacom is Nick's parent company-Bob] learned I was leaving the trapped me in this cage."

"Are you insane? Its not a cage, you're outside. In. nothing. "

So I stabbed in the leg for being stupid. Then I smelt liquor.

"Wade, what the f*** r u duin? *hic* you ruin time spaz cont..."

And he fell on the floor so I took his belt and went to a different time.

That's when I saw J'onn knocked out and a man claiming to be Faye with hotpants. Except his name doesn't match him. He should look aged and sexy like Bea with that name. He also doesn't have enough hair for my liking.

Deadpool and Josh

Suddenly the door of the cabin opened and I saw these two:

"Hey I'm Josh" bealched the glutton.

"Who the **** are you two?"

"AHH!!! This is Nickelodeon studios. You can't use swear jar words."

"Once I saw the swear jar I nicked and got my blade read to slice the stupid looking one with a guitar."

"Ah, Mr. did you realize you said that out loud?" said the guaitar one.

"DIE GUITAR DUDE WHO GIVES ME A FUNNY FEELING INSIDE!"

I stabbed him and wondered around the lot looking for Amanda Bynes.

And Lo There Shall Come A Man Faye

I wake up, half expecting to be greeted by the Stapler's Ghost again. How does he keep getting into my house, anyway? I guess when you're a ghost, things like a door don't bother you. Instead, what I see is... Deadpool. And this guy:


"Why are you here? And why did you bring Man-Faye with you?"
"Your old friend the Stapler's been bothering me, so I came over here since you're the Stapler expert. I brought Golden Girls tapes too :D"
"Terrific. I guess you can stay until we call the Ghostbusters on the Stapler, but Man-Faye has to go."
"Aww, man, nobody wants me!" whined the morbidly obese cross-dresser.
"Get out. Now." I commanded.
After making sure Man-Faye was a decent distance away from my house, I returned to Deadpool obsessing over the Bea Arthur tapes he was now playing in my ancient VCR.
This is going to be a long day.

Its the Time of the Season

So I jump on my couch to watch my Golden Girl DVDs and again my ass is impaled by staples.

"OUCH" I screamed in pain. Suddenly I heard laughter.

"Well wells, if its nots Dadpwas the mec *hic up* with th " before I Kang could finish he dropped to the floor. Suddenly the Staplers Ghost appeared and said:

"What my partner is trying..."

"Parnter? Like "life partner?" I had no idea you guys were gay."

"Well I am, Kang's not. He's not that interested. *sigh*I tried to give him a ruffie, but I couldn't really do anything with me being a ghost and all.."

"Yeah that's cool, I apparently have a talk show on a gay TV channel. I didn't know it was gay, but hey, money's money."

"Yup"

I thought I outwitted the ghostly loser, "So I'm heading out, bye!"

"Okay later...Hey wait a second! You're not going anywhere...I mena you're going to the past!"

He zapped me with one of Kang's time-do-hickeys. Anyway I woke up in a cabin. There's a fire. Its neat, but there's no Bea Arthur.

Kang

Kang showed up again today. He's still drunk, and back from Mexico.
"Hey, Marshun.... whersh the Shtapler?" he slurred.
"He's off bugging Deadpool." I responded.
"Deadpool... oh yeah, that guy... heh heh.. met him a while back... was drunk then, too... Love your primitive alcohol. They just don't make it the same in the future."
"Yeah, okay, that's terrific. But really, why are you hanging out with him? The Stapler's probably the worst super villain ever, and what are you going to do? Displace me in time or something?"
"It's a super villain team up, okay? All the other guys were taken. It's the stapler or nothing."
He zaps me with his time ray in his anger. I teleport to three minutes in the future. How utterly pointless. Kang is still standing where he was when he zapped me.
"You're back soon" he said.
"Can't you control when I lteleport to?" I asked.
"Yeah, but I can't see straight now... let alone diaaaugh...."
Kang collapsed on the floor.
The Stapler's Ghost floated in and said "Worst. Team-up. Ever." I'm inclined to agree.

Quick Hit the Easy Button!

I was having a fabulous morning in my now empty apartment (Bob's still hear, but he's like my dog, not a person). I was sang till my voice sounded like Larry King's after he smoked 80 packs of Wrigley's.

"WHEN I WAKE UP...AND...PUT ON MY MAKE UP...I MAKE LOVE TO MY PICTURES OF BEA! MAUDE WAS GOOD...BUT GOLDEN GIRLS WAS AN ORGY WAITING TO HAPPEN!

As a I stepped out of the shower I rub my butt with the towel, to find that its covered with staples. How discomforting, it was annoying. Thank Xenu I have healing powers.

Anyway that was a minor inconvenience and I plan on calling the towel company.

Sincerely and always yours,

Deadpool