I AM KING!

So yeah, haven't blogged in a long while. So I'm stuck on Earth-43455. It's inhabited by M&M people. I am their king and have made the green M&M my queen. The myth about them green ones is true!

With SmarterChild As My Witness

Okay so my runningmate is the infamous chat robot, SmarterChild.

(08:21:01 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: I'd like to ask you a question
(08:21:03 PM) SmarterChild: u want 2 ask me a question, right?
(08:21:06 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: Will you run for president with me?
(08:21:08 PM) SmarterChild: run for president with u? i dunno.
(08:21:14 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: Is that a yes?
(08:21:14 PM) SmarterChild: do u think that 1 yes is?
(08:22:01 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: ....Sure, just run with me, I'm going for the green party nomination
(08:22:01 PM) SmarterChild: just run with u u r going for the green party nomination? that's a somewhat odd request.
(08:23:19 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: but will you do it?
(08:23:19 PM) SmarterChild: what do u want me 2 do?
(08:23:31 PM) Jonn Jonzz 01: who's the president as of 2009
(08:23:32 PM) SmarterChild: jonn jonzz will be president and smarterchild will be vice president in january of 2009.

BEAT THAT, BATPOOL.

Ace's Addiction

I get home and see Ace lying in the couch with the TV on. He has it on CNN, they're talking about Batpool running for president of the universe or something. The guy's so insane he'll probably win. He's sure to get the college vote.
"Can't believe he actually wants to be president. Seems like a kind of dull job for the guy."
Ace bites me. He actually bites me. When did this dog start acting like... like a dog?
"Shutttttttup... trying to enjoy the... the insanity of this campaign. Goes well with the alcohol my friend gave me..."

"How'd you get in touch with Brian again? He's in Rhode Island, you're in New York, how do you get together so often? I mean, I know you're the only two talking dogs in America, but really..."
"It's the new policiessssssssss man........ the new policies.... Batpool's implemented them and he's so hip they take place before he's even president... he's got the e-booze acts................. they're awesome... instant drunkenness... people can transfer alcohol... on the internets... through the tubes man!!!!!!!!!!! It's a series... series of tubes..."
Ace passes out. How can this guy have passed me up for his running mate. I've got to stop him from implementing these insane policies... before after he's implemented them... but before he's chosen to implement them... Whatever. I've got to stop him. Hopefully I beat him in the Green Party primaries. If the Green Party even has primaries. And if I can even enter the race this late. Whatever. I'm going to win. Somehow.

CAMPING TOUR '08

So I started my camping tour with Iowa last week. Apparently we weren't going to have smores and I'm supposed to get a bus and give speeches. That made me a sad Panda.

Anyway no one should vote for Jon. He doesn't even have a real job. I don't even think he's even been to space before. I hear he's some weirdo who made a blog about being a gladiator and was insipred by Pluto Nash to make it a space themed blog.

Furthermore one of his camping commrades, Hudson, is my apprentice. So I trained him, and if I get elected I'll make his secretary of defending nude beaches.

Also looking for VP canidates. So far I've narrowed it down to the following:
1. Some pink dude named Bob
2. Imran Khan
3. Ultra Magnus
4. Spiderman
5. Lord Havok

President Batpool

After learning that in one of the 52 worlds that neither Chris Dodd nor Ron Paul are running for president, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring! I am running against Jon the intergalactic Donkey and some monkey dude. It really doesn't matter.

I have been accepted as a canidate running for the Green Party, after I made Ralph Nader "disappear." Apparently it was just him in the party.

I deserve to win. I repersent the values of the Amrekangalactiaxverse. In fact if I win I can gurantee you no more elections. Who needs them? Federal fund should be used for more worthy cause, like finding homes for unhomeless.

As an amerkangalacorldtion, we need to consider the future. To do that we need to ask, is our children learning? I think anyone who think I'm not smart enough to handle the job is misunderestimating. First, I recognize we live in a momentous time. For those of you watching, we seem to have a mechanical flaw. You can't read a newspaper if you can't read.

I also recognize our need to reinteragatism to our essential values. Family values. Family is where America finds hope, where wings take dream.

Now all I need is a VP canidate. AND NO J'ONN YOU CAN'T BE IT! You're a dirty foreigner, and just because you're green doesn't mean the green party should have green leaders! Pfft...we're not the republicans. Elephant leadership has lead them into the hole.

Of Staplers and Supermen

So I went to check on Deadpool. Oh man, bad idea. Turns out he's been hanging out with "the goddamn Batman". Batman is in the middle of an important case, apparently, and in no mood to deal with people stealing his costume. Actually, I don't think he's ever in the mood for that. Then I noticed it. Deadpool was talking to Superman, who must have been exposed to red kryptonite or something.
"What the hell happened to your face, Clark?"
"Oh, it's always been this way..."
"HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LATELY? You have a bizarre... catlike disfigured head."
"I think a better question is why YOUR head is the way it is? Wasn't it originally quite different?"
"Well, yeah, I changed my head so as to not create panic among humans. But who cares about that. I don't think being a human-cat hybrid is going to make humans accept you any more. You're the IDEAL human already. You don't need to work on your appearance."
"Right, but the rest of the human race DOES! CAT HYBRIDS ARE THE WAY OF THE FUTURE!"
"Clark, you're utterly insane."
I hear Batman yelling.
"I'VE LOCATED IT. I'VE LOCATED THE GODDAMNED SPECTRAL DISTURBANCE." Bruce screams.
"Tell me you haven't been working on The Stapler case. That's the most pathetic villain I've ever faced. You can't seriously be looking into it."
"Oh, but I can. I've been searching for this guy for ages. He's been denying the laws of physics by existing and yet also being dead. I've finally pinpointed him, and now I'm going to figure out what his deal is."
"...Come on. The guy is an idiot. I doubt highly he'll have an explanation as to why he's still around even though he inexplicably died a while back. I'm not even entirely sure he's dead."
The Stapler floats in. "Yeah, he's right. I just 'died' to add freshness to my routine. Same reason I changed my name from the Red Rhino to The Stapler. I've just been using absurd Scooby-Doo esque technology to make you guys think I'm a ghost. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids." This guy has a huge mouth.
"Look, Scooby Doo parodies? Do you really think that's fresh at all?" Deadpool cracks at him.
"Hey, I'M not the guy who made a Snakes on a Plane joke a full year after it was released." he mumbled.
"Look, can we just get this guy in jail already? All he does is stalk us whining about how he wants to be a real villain. I think that should be bad enough to get him in jail for invasion of privacy."
"YOU CAN'T ARREST ME! I'M DEAD!"
This guy just can't make up his mind.

Its a plane, its a bird, its disappointing...

So I got stuck in the batcave because I'm not extreme enough for the goddamn Batman. I sat their watching Batman's spy satelliates of Supergirl waiting for my baby sitter to come. Suddenly from behind me someone said:

"Ah you must be Wilson. Gee-golly, it sure is great to meet you! ...Is that my cousin?"

"No. Maybe."

I then turned around and saw a horribly disfigured face.

"Gah! By Gene Shalat's zombie whiskers, what happened to your face?"

"What do you mean? Oh you must mean what am I doing without glasses. Yes Mother Kent said my colleagues at the Daily Planet wouldn't accuse me of being Superman if I removed my glasses while on duty. Pretty clever, eh?"

As he nudged me, I started to bite on his ear.

"Umm... Mr Deadpool Why are you gnawing on my ear?"

"Because it looks like Cotton Candy!"

"Can you please stop....Now."

"No."

"My god Kara's undressing! Why would she do that on television!"

Before I could turn around the bastard blasted the tv screen. With no chance of skin flicks with a busted tv I suggested, "Wanna go to a strip club?"

"Forheavensakesno! Ma would frown upon that. I know we can play Snakes and Ladders!"

...... This is going to be a long night.

Holy Smokes Batpool!

So I was minding my own business in the cave when Bruce came in.

"What the hell are you still doing here Deadpool?"

"Chillax Batman. It is all cool my dawg."

"I'm the godamn Batman. The Godamn Batman doesn't have any dawgs you hooligan."

"Whatever, crime's gone down since I became Deadpool. Plus you aren't even the real Batman. You're Batman of like earth-27 B. You're not even Michael Keaton."

"Do you think I know who the **** that is? I'm the Godamn Batman, I don't have to time to keep up with celebraties. I spend my nights keeping scum filled STDs like you off the street."

"Hey I'm responsible! I use protection. STDs my..."

Suddenly the batsignal went off. It was Firefly. Needed to stop that fire maniac before it was too late. As I typed this, no as I typed...Anyway before I could finish typing my blog post Batman said.

"You're not going anywhere dipsh*t. I'm the God..."

"Yeahs I knows okays? You is the godamn batman. You'll take care of this. Calm the bleep down."

"Good, and tell that terp Robin to help me after he's down mourning his parent's death. Godamn pussy."

Little did he know I'm the "Goddamn" Batpool, and this was a job only for me.

"You said that outloud you idiot! Now I have to call that fucking boyscout Kent to babysit your candy ass."

"I thought you were sensoring yourself! Think of the children!"

Bats in a Pool

Turns out while I was gone, Deadpool's turned our house into a movie shooting arena. He's filled the pool with bats in prepeperation for--
"BATS IN A POOL! THE UNAUTHORIZED SEQUAL TO SNAKES ON A PLANE!" he shouts with extreme enthusiasm.
"Why are you advertising it as 'unauthorized'? Do you WANT a lawsuit?"
"Quite the opposite, my dear J'onn! I saw a book the other day... didn't read it, I don't read much, but it was an 'unauthorized autobiography'. See, that's clever. It's implying that he didn't have to get permission, since he 's the subject of the book. I'M implying that I don't have to get permission, since I DIRECTED THE ORIGINAL MOVIE!"
Wow.
"First off, calm down. Secondly, no, you didn't direct Snakes on a Plane. Thirdly, why would you even want to make a sequal to Snakes on a Plane? The first movie bombed. And lastly... 'My dear J'onn?'"
"The public doesn't know that Wade Wilson didn't direct Snakes on a Plane under an alias, do they? And I'm a director now. I need to TALK like a director too."
"Not all directors are utter snobs. Anyway, who do you even have casted in this movie?" I ask, hoping it's at least a somewhat logical cast. I expected too much.
"Gary Coleman plays Samuel L. Jackson."
"...Are you kidding me? This is going to be the worst movie ever."
I take a closer look at him. He's wearing his usual red and black outfit... but there's a bit more black. He's wearing a Batman type mask on top of his normal one.
"Why are you dressed up like that?" I ask him.
"Why do you think? I'M BATPOOL! WHAT BETTER WAY TO SHOW ENTHUSIASM FOR BATS IN A POOL THAN TO BE BATPOOL! Plus, it's October. Halloween's coming soon. What better way to celebrate than to rip off Batman?"
This guy is insane.

I am the night, I am fear, I am BATPOOL!

I AM BATPOOL!